Still
Something's happened to me. My life is stagnant, still. Im stuck in it. There's nothing happening. I feel the same things I felt last month, last year. I feel the same but everything around me is moving so fast. Its August already, I have 4-5 months left in school, left in the protected world I'm living in, and then BOOM! I'll be done with school. Everything will change. The life I'm living, the way I'm interacting with the people in my life today...they will all just be memories to look back on and reminisce about somewhere down the road. God know where I'll be, what I'll be doing one year from today.I'm trying to decide, to come to some sort of conlusion about what I want to do. Its just not happening. If I don't think of anything else, I'll just do B Sc physics. But I'm terrified about what's going to happen to me. Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that its not going to be anything great. Sucess comes with hard work, and that seems to be something I'm incapable of nowadays. Believe me, I'm trying. I'm trying to study, to practice, to do SOMETHING with my time. But as far back as I look, all I can remember doing is sleeping, wasting time. Sleeping in class (school and tuition) and hence, throwing all the time I spend there (and the fees) down the drain. And the worst part is, when my mom tells me to study, I get irritated. I sit there with my books open, staring into space, dreaming. What do I dream about? Some nonsense. None of its going to happen at the rate I'm going. I want to do well. And I used to think I was capable of it. But even if I do manage to put in a bit of work, I end up doing pathetically in the test or whatever it is that I'm working for. What am I doing with myself, my life? That's a question only I can answer. The fact that I can't answer it makes me want to slap myself.
My relationships with the people close to me have been changing too. Its been a rough road at home. I cant relate to some of the things my mom says sometimes. All she wants is for me to do well, and since what I want for myself isnt too different, it really confuses me where all the conflict is coming from. I guess she knows what it takes to be what I want to be, to do what I want to do. Its worrying her that Im generally sitting around when there's so much to be done. I'm trying...
Some of my friends, the ones I used to think were the closest people to me, who knew me the best...some of them seem to no longer be who I thought they were. I think they still care, but whatever it was we seemed to share, to have in common...looks like thats dissappeared. I love my friends with all my heart, but...there are no such things as substitutes for people, and it breaks my heart to think of how much things have changed in some ways. Everyone's so grown up, so mature. So clear. And then there's me, clueless as always, blinking at the world. What's wrong with me?? Why can't I grow up too?
I'm cribbing too much. Im so lucky...I have everything a person could want, and I have the audacity to complain about it. I suppose I'm just confused. I'm sorry about this post. Ive just been thinking about these things for a while. I need to get my act together, to stop thinking so much and to DO, to be more thoughtful and caring, to work harder...to take responsibility for myself. Please, God, let me grow up.
blabbered by Aditi @ 7:42 PM
14 Comments:
hey aditi,
Each of you seem to be going thru this phase at different times. First dhruva, then shishir and now u.. i can't believe im actually smiling at the thought that i was going thru the same thing a while back. Read my post... i was in the same boat, till last week..
..its going to be a long journey. And though it seems to just go by, there's enough you do everyday even without realising. Don't fret. And pleej pleej dont think. Thats the worst thing you can do for yourself.
Just go with the flow... dnt stress yourself. That's what creates trouble. Do whatever it is that you have to do today, leave the tomorrow to God.
:D
Ok Ok Cooling Adipiditiditi.
No problem, don't worry. Under no circumstances should you do a B.Sc. In PHYSICS. You must be mad! What if you run into another TPS? Haven't you had enough of school physics?
If you don't have anything else to do, you can become a waitress. That will help you serve pizza and ask the chef to make 3 pieces of Garlic Bread for Table twelve. That's all. You will be twelfth pass. And with that, you can get any job that you want. Don't fret, don't worry, study well, but don't put too much focus into your studies, otherwise you will end up not being able to concentrate and doing golmall and anti-golmall.
Kaushik
AKA Brookharoger Fleece,
#24, Seaside Flats,
Lamponshipdock,
Oceanview,
Coastal Paradise,
Beach.
aii...chill out...move with the flow...jus keep checking out things...but dont hang around too much...if udont like something just leave it and try something else...ull get it trust me:D
I don't think it's not too hard for me to guess which friend you're referring to...
Ok, I take that back (If you're not lying, that is)
evryone is goin thru the same thing. believe me i am too. tis my last year of school n i still don know where i wanna go, what i wanna do or anythin. i will be lucky if i ever figure what i m gonna do. so like i said, evryone is goin thru the same thing. but never give up hope is all i can say
No, dhruva, I'm not lying...
and thanks pk...im kinda freaking out here...its scary...!!
ur always welcome.. dnt worry abt friends n all.. if they're true they'll be around at the end of all this. Every1 of them must be thinking the same of you. I knw i acted real weird... :D Each person has their own way of dealing with stress. So, instead of making life tougher for urself and the others by questioning their friendhsip, accept things and make the best of them.
And i sound like ur grandma!
pk aunty!!
aaawwww chucks sweetie... ur being kind.. I sound like ur grandma!
haha ur not thaaat wise, pk :D
Hey Aditi,
I've been through this phase a couple of times.I'm a taciturn person.I like to keep my thoughts to myself.But anyways,all I can say is that you should list out your priorities and work towards your goal.You don't have to do a B.Sc. in Physics if you don't want to.It's your life and you should make the decisions.There is no point in lamenting over the past.Try to overcome your laziness.Nothing in this world is impossible.Even Impossible says "I'm Possible". Look at what you have before you.As Winston Churchill said.......................
"NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP"
Good Luck
Prithvi
daii...laziness is not what it is...dilemma more like it?
laziness is just part of life and im loving every bit of it... why u say laziness is good?
what if they declared war and no one turned up...
then it'd be good u idiot... no need for wars n all...
its nt laziness either. The thing is that tuition, school, friends, etc. all the time you are picking up stuff even if u think u aren't. You are learning all the time. Plus, most people are overwhelmed. If you've read my post then you'll know that by the time we even realised we were in 12th and were writing board exams and all... they were over.
Just go with the flow baba.... and even if you aren't studying now, dnt worry.... dec-jan is full of exams, there aint no other way out. And u can't fool arnd with them, 'cuz they're put in ur report card....
have fun peoples! it feels so good to be out of school!!
:D
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